Late Night Ramblings

It's late.  Again.  And I'm up.  Again.  Thanks racing thoughts and insomnia and Cherry Pepsi.  I like the quiet though and enjoy the "break" from all the needs around me.  I have a love/hate relationship with the first sounds of my sweet Emily waking up.  My favorite is when I hear her gradually...cooing to herself and talking to herself and singing her own made up song.  It always escalates to the cry though and so I rush in to stop it as quickly as it starts most of the time.  Sometimes, I admit, I pray that she will go back to sleep so that I can lie in bed just a few minutes longer.  Bro has a whimper and rarely cries but groans and grunts almost all night long.  I don't mind him waking up to nurse, though.  I sleepwalk out into the living room and give him what he needs and he goes right back to sleep. 

Then, here I am.  Awake.  Although tonight I admit it's the caffeine.  We have our movie night where caffeine is allowed.  I've been really good because I know I feel better overall if I don't drink it.  Why does it have to taste and feel so good? 

So I'm up and awake.  My racing thoughts mostly find their way to money, always.  I do the math over and over and over again in my head.  There is never enough.  When will there be enough?  And yet there always is enough, miraculously.  Then my thoughts go to food.  What do I want to eat?  What do we have to eat?  What can I make that takes the least amount of ingredients?  What can I make where I already have all the ingredients so I don't have to go to the store and buy more food with money we don't have.  Then I end up right back on money.  Then I think about Scott.  I pray for him.  It never seems to help, but I always pray for him.  I pray he will be happy and safe.  Always safe.  Always happy.  Then I think about how I can make him happy.  Food.  Again, food.  What can I make for Scott that will make him happy?  Then money, again.  We don't have the money to buy the food that will make Scott happy.  Oh my goodness, see why I can't go to sleep.  I wish I could turn my thoughts off.  It seems to go in about three day cycles.  I sort of can't sleep the first night.  The second night I don't sleep at all and stay up most the night and then the third night which will be tomorrow night, I'm so exhausted I finally sleep soundly and then the cycle starts all over again. 

Lately I've been reading on my iPhone.  I try not to move so I don't wake Scott up and I read and read and read frantically until I feel as though my eyes will fall out of my head and until my brain seems about to explode from all of the information.  Trying to tire my mind out so I can go to sleep.  My chosen material is church stuff because it usually puts me to sleep the fastest, but also because it's free and so incredibly easy to access.  I have whatever I want at my fingertips.  Amazing.  I like conference talks the best.  But I read them fast, almost like gulping a huge drink and having most of it spill down the front of my shirt.  My mind wanders if I read them slow and so I read them fast hoping to keep my mind focused on what I'm doing.  I've been reading all of Uchtdorf's stuff and I made it to his first talk as an Apostle and now I'm reading Holland.  His stuff will take me awhile if I try to read all of his talks since he became an Apostle, but since I'm awake and I have access to it I might as well.  I love his recent talk "Like a Broken Vessel" from October 2013.  And President Uchtdorf's talk called "Continue in Patience" from April 2010.